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If Operating Systems Were Beers
(updates in italics; apologies to you "low techies")
DOS Beer: Requires you to use your own can
opener, and requires you to read the directions carefully
before opening the can. Originally only came in an 8-oz. can,
but now comes in a 16-oz. can. However, the can is
divided into 8 compartments of 2 oz. each, which have to
be accessed separately. Soon to be discontinued, although
a lot of people are going to keep drinking it after it's
no longer available.
Mac Beer: At first, came only a 16-oz. can, but
now comes in a 32-oz. can. Considered by many to be a
"light" beer. All the cans look identical. When you take one
from the fridge, it opens itself. The ingredients list is not on
the can. If you call to ask about the ingredients, you are
told that "you don't need to know." A notice on the
side reminds you to drag your empties to the trashcan.
Windows 3.1 Beer: The world's most popular. Comes
in a 16-oz. can that looks a lot like Mac Beer's. Requires
that you already own a DOS Beer. Claims that it allows you
to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously, but in reality
you can only drink a few of them, very slowly,
especially slowly if you are drinking the Windows Beer at the
same time. Sometimes, for apparently no reason, a can
of Windows Beer will explode when you open it.
OS/2 Beer: Comes in a 32-oz can. Does allow you
to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously. Allows you
to drink Windows 3.1 Beer simultaneously too, but
somewhat slower. Advertises that its cans won't explode when
you open them, even if you shake them up. You never
never really see anyone drinking OS/2 Beer, but the
manufacturer (International Beer Manufacturing) claims that
9 million six-packs have been sold. No Longer Available
- Big Bill whupped Big Blue big time!
Windows 95 Beer: You couldn't buy it till now, but a
lot of people have taste-tested it and claim it's wonderful.
The can looks a lot like Mac Beer's can, but
tastes more like Windows 3.1 Beer. It comes in 32-oz. cans, but when
you look inside, the cans only have 16 oz. of beer in them.
Most people will probably keep drinking Windows 3.1
Beer until their friends try Windows 95 Beer and say they like
it. The ingredients list, when you look at the
small print, has some of the same ingredients that come in DOS beer,
even though the manufacturer claims that this is an entirely
new brew. Evolved into 98, then XP
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Windows NT Beer: Comes in 32-oz. cans, but you
can only buy it by the truckload. This causes most people
to have to go out and buy bigger refrigerators. The can
looks just like Windows 3.1 Beer's, but the company promises
to change the can to look just like Windows 95 Beer's -
after Windows 95 beer starts shipping. Touted as an
"industrial strength" beer, and suggested only for use
in bars. New home version called XP.
Unix Beer: Comes in several different brands, in
cans ranging from 8 oz. to 64 oz. Drinkers of Unix Beer
display fierce brand loyalty, even though they claim that all
the different brands taste almost identical. Sometimes the
pop-tops break off when you try to open them, so you have
to have your own can opener around for those occasions,
in which case you either need a complete set of
instructions or a friend who has been drinking Unix Beer for
several years.
AmigaDOS Beer: The company has gone out of
business, but their recipe has been picked up by some
weird German company, so now this beer will be an import.
This beer never really sold very well because the original
manu-facturer didn't understand marketing. Like Unix Beer,
AmigaDOS Beer fans are an extremely loyal and
loud group. It originally came in a 16-oz. can, but now comes in
32-oz. cans too. When this can was originally introduced,
it appeared flashy and colorful, but the design
hasn't changed much over the years, so it appears dated
now. Critics of this beer claim that it is only meant for
watching TV anyway.
VMS Beer: Requires minimal user interaction, except
for popping the top and sipping. However cans have
been known on occasion to explode, or contain extremely
un-beer-like contents. Best drunk in high pressure
development environments. When you call the manufacturer
for the list of ingredients, you're told that is proprietary
and referred to an unknown listing in the manuals published
by the FDA. Rumors are that this was once listed in
the Physicians' Desk Reference as a tranquilizer, but no
one can claim to have actually seen it.
Linux Beer: The Trappist OS - high quality
ingredients for the connosieur. Limited exposure at present, but
as we all know, good things take time (not to
mention money!)
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